Well its well past time for me to update fungus. I havent forgotten you my reader(s).
Life is progressing. Not sure where its going at all though to be honest. More and more i get the feeling that the expiry date on my sojourne here in the archipelago is coming due. Ive tapped the mine of experiences so to speak. Or at the least ive finished a vein of lode of crap. hehe.
The choice that presents itself now is should i start looking for a new start here? i have a lovely flat and all that but as far as friends go i think i may have to start a new circle somehow. The ones i have well... im not keen on being super close to them so i need to find someone who would fit that bill.
Sometimes i wonder. Culturally speaking i prize my 'fly on the wall lifestyle', looking at the UK from without.. or at the least off to one side. And recently its come to my attention that perhaps the idea of a Friend is culturally different than what i grew up with. Now thats a rather large assumption as perhaps my childhood friendships.. and later werent typical. I think they are though. But as far as i can tell most people here have a circle of people they know, drink with, and occasionally share gossip with over a cuppa tea. Those kinds of people i would still call friends but not with a capital F. If the chips are down they dont want to get involved or whatever.But the friend or definition of a friend that i know is more than that. And Im not entirely sure that that sort of person is easily found here.
The age old stereotype of the Stiff Upper Lip Brits is still true. Its evolved over time but in general getting to the core of a person on a friend level is EXTREMELY difficult. There is a definate lack of trust. Now of course im only making these observations from my own personal experiences and perhaps its coincidental that the people i know hide a large part of who they are. Im sure they have their reasons. But when it comes to being a close friend with them the trust needs to be there... i automatically trust people (stupidly) and i guess i take it personally when it isnt reciprocated. its probably not intended personally, but just a tool for coping with life. So i tend to meet and try to get to know people who make that process a lot like an obstacle course. The thing is, am i that interested in them and they in me, to make that obstacle course worthwhile? Im just talking about mates here... i thought mates and friends should be an easy thing. get to know someone... like them... they like back.. you hang out and do shit. but if everytime you meet theres a strange tension as one of them is holding back or something and the other is wondering wtf is going on... then is that a friend.
i too keep a part of me for me... but at the same time... i dont. Now that i feel is my own failing. And one of the reasons i end up hurting myself or putting myself in situations where i risk emotional ... uupsets. Im not sure failing is a good word... but if my heart on my sleeve attitude serves only to present an easy target then perhaps i am doing something wrong. Of course parents and friends back home would disagree.
I think i need to learn self preservation. And the events of this year have really pounded that concept into me.
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..... wow reading back that is seriously a lot of wandering nonsense... well at least unstructured sense that resembles nonsense in such a way that it could be mistaken for nonsense. :)
Anyways, life... ya.. well ive made a few important personal decisions and set a few plans for my future. Of course the plans hinge on things out of my control so i need to just relax and let whatever is supposed to happen... happen. Hopefully those happenings have something to do with my plans :)
For instance... my japanese. Im loving it. Its reviving my mind, making me think and satisfying in the way that you can see your progress as you turn the pages of your textbook. Given a billion dollars id probably study everything until it was gone. Im starting to think that the japanese is a means to an end. Albeit an end thats a way off... but I think i might end up spending time in Japan. Ive always had a pulling in that direction and if i want to live life to the fullest i better let myself be pulled!
So ya thats one of the things thats wandering through this convoluted head of mine. The rest of it is trying to stop fixating on things and people i can do nothing about. I find myself getting angry and dont like it. I dont want to be a bitter person... that frightens me a bit. I just need something sweet in my life to take the edge off :) So hope for the future and perhaps a good person to hang out with. That would be lovely.
cheers!
m
ps.. o ya... im super pooped cuz work is absolutely insanely busy and its all i can do to stay up past 9:30pm these days!
