The high road sucks
Well its been a while since i vented and ranted because I havent had anything really upsetting happen to me lately. But guess what? Now i DO have something. lucky me.
Yesterday I found out that Qtip has a new boy. O but hes not new! Hes the guy she was chatting to online before we broke up. And looking back its obvious he was planting seeds of doubt and poison in her head/heart that definately didnt help our situation at the time. I really dont like this guy.
So 3 months after qtip and i ended things she went to him. No wonder she didnt want to talk to me. No wonder she seemed to be ok with the breakup... she had someone else to cushion her fall in the form of a rebound.
The shitty part is not that shes found someone new. I knew that would happen and had mentally prepared for it. What i wasnt prepared for was the lies and deceit and COWARDICE that surrounded the whole thing. I got some mail that had both our names on it that I needed to consult qtip about. So i called her flat last night. she wasnt home. HE was tho. So ya... i didnt find out from qtip i found out from him. Isnt that just great. I called qtips cell and told her... all i got was a ... o... err ya i was thinking i should call you. You were THINKING IT?! After EVERYTHING i did for her... the love compassion care and self sacrifice she didnt even have the freaking DECENCY to tell me herself? She played the chickenshit card ONCE again. Hiding from her responsibilities as an adult and ignoring the possibility that she could hurt other people ONCE again. I should have seen this coming. I know her. 'I need to be alone' she said... numerous times... all the time she was seeing someone else. if she thought she was protecting me shes sadly mistaken. It makes me doubt her character. I didnt deserve this treatment and never have i been so poorly treated like this in my life. by anyone.
Heres the added insult to injury. all my friends knew she had a new guy... months ago. And did they tell me? no. Did they lie to me. yes. 'o well i didnt want to hurt you... blah blah bullshit. They wouldnt have hurt me. i dont shoot the messenger. They would have proved their friendship and at least ASKED if i knew. 'We didnt want to get involved... too fucking late.. you were involved the moment she told you. She was hoping youd tell me. I would much rather have heard from a friend than from her new guy. They knew qtip wouldnt tell me. So who would have then huh? my 'friends' thats who. O but no... they chickenshitted out as well. Well trust has been lost.
One friend said she didnt feel it was her place. I understand that. but they also knew that qtip wouldnt tell me so as my friend i would have hoped they could have stepped up. I would do the same for them, as i wouldnt want them to find out the hard way or look like a fool.
Ive been robbed of dignity and feel like a patsy. The last to know. I feel like ive been made a fool of and disregarded in the cruelest of ways.
I try very hard to live my life without regrets and to leave bitterness for lemons. But this is making it very difficult. I dont want to hate anyone... but this is making it hard. I dont want to think poorly of anyone but qtip is really pushing it. I know if go down this road its only a hop skip and a jump to thinking that i wasted the 3 years i spent with qtip. That all we went through was for nothing. She didnt learn anything and all i got to show for it was being a fool. Im trying VERY VERY hard not to walk that low road. I was raised to take the high road... to forgive and forget.
Im going to try. but its not easy nor very gratifying in that petty sense.
All that said... you may find it hard to believe i still am actually glad she HAS moved on. She has found some happiness. Although im afraid it wont last. She is trapped in denial and although her problems are at bay they will return. Worse than before. She will leave a wake of relationship wreckage behind her. She needs to love herself before she can be loved or truly love another. As soon as she finds herself losing control she will push the man in her life away ... until its impossible to stay. Im not the first shes done this to. nor will i be the last. I pity her boy. and i pity her.
I asked her to call at a better time as when i last spoke to her she was at work. She wont call. and right now im not sure i want to hear from her. But its probably best if i do.
At least this has closed the book on any sort of attempt to salvage a friendship out of this. I dont want to have a friend who treats me this way. Lies and cowardice. The door on that possibility has slammed shut.
Im gonna go now and try to find out a way to get rid of the poison thats flowing through my veins now.
If you actually read all this... im impressed. but dont mind if you just went... blah emotional crap again.
cheers
p
Yesterday I found out that Qtip has a new boy. O but hes not new! Hes the guy she was chatting to online before we broke up. And looking back its obvious he was planting seeds of doubt and poison in her head/heart that definately didnt help our situation at the time. I really dont like this guy.
So 3 months after qtip and i ended things she went to him. No wonder she didnt want to talk to me. No wonder she seemed to be ok with the breakup... she had someone else to cushion her fall in the form of a rebound.
The shitty part is not that shes found someone new. I knew that would happen and had mentally prepared for it. What i wasnt prepared for was the lies and deceit and COWARDICE that surrounded the whole thing. I got some mail that had both our names on it that I needed to consult qtip about. So i called her flat last night. she wasnt home. HE was tho. So ya... i didnt find out from qtip i found out from him. Isnt that just great. I called qtips cell and told her... all i got was a ... o... err ya i was thinking i should call you. You were THINKING IT?! After EVERYTHING i did for her... the love compassion care and self sacrifice she didnt even have the freaking DECENCY to tell me herself? She played the chickenshit card ONCE again. Hiding from her responsibilities as an adult and ignoring the possibility that she could hurt other people ONCE again. I should have seen this coming. I know her. 'I need to be alone' she said... numerous times... all the time she was seeing someone else. if she thought she was protecting me shes sadly mistaken. It makes me doubt her character. I didnt deserve this treatment and never have i been so poorly treated like this in my life. by anyone.
Heres the added insult to injury. all my friends knew she had a new guy... months ago. And did they tell me? no. Did they lie to me. yes. 'o well i didnt want to hurt you... blah blah bullshit. They wouldnt have hurt me. i dont shoot the messenger. They would have proved their friendship and at least ASKED if i knew. 'We didnt want to get involved... too fucking late.. you were involved the moment she told you. She was hoping youd tell me. I would much rather have heard from a friend than from her new guy. They knew qtip wouldnt tell me. So who would have then huh? my 'friends' thats who. O but no... they chickenshitted out as well. Well trust has been lost.
One friend said she didnt feel it was her place. I understand that. but they also knew that qtip wouldnt tell me so as my friend i would have hoped they could have stepped up. I would do the same for them, as i wouldnt want them to find out the hard way or look like a fool.
Ive been robbed of dignity and feel like a patsy. The last to know. I feel like ive been made a fool of and disregarded in the cruelest of ways.
I try very hard to live my life without regrets and to leave bitterness for lemons. But this is making it very difficult. I dont want to hate anyone... but this is making it hard. I dont want to think poorly of anyone but qtip is really pushing it. I know if go down this road its only a hop skip and a jump to thinking that i wasted the 3 years i spent with qtip. That all we went through was for nothing. She didnt learn anything and all i got to show for it was being a fool. Im trying VERY VERY hard not to walk that low road. I was raised to take the high road... to forgive and forget.
Im going to try. but its not easy nor very gratifying in that petty sense.
All that said... you may find it hard to believe i still am actually glad she HAS moved on. She has found some happiness. Although im afraid it wont last. She is trapped in denial and although her problems are at bay they will return. Worse than before. She will leave a wake of relationship wreckage behind her. She needs to love herself before she can be loved or truly love another. As soon as she finds herself losing control she will push the man in her life away ... until its impossible to stay. Im not the first shes done this to. nor will i be the last. I pity her boy. and i pity her.
I asked her to call at a better time as when i last spoke to her she was at work. She wont call. and right now im not sure i want to hear from her. But its probably best if i do.
At least this has closed the book on any sort of attempt to salvage a friendship out of this. I dont want to have a friend who treats me this way. Lies and cowardice. The door on that possibility has slammed shut.
Im gonna go now and try to find out a way to get rid of the poison thats flowing through my veins now.
If you actually read all this... im impressed. but dont mind if you just went... blah emotional crap again.
cheers
p
posted by Marcus Dunning at 9:08 am
1 comments
