Every hour on the hour
Well I thought i would give the world (all 3 of you) an update on the Welfare of the State of Pravo. Sort of like a state of the union address. Only im not a retard like Bush is. (yes this is debatable)
More or less my day consists of getting up, being way to introspective for my own good, at times mumbling to myself on the walk to work, then CATCHING myself mumbling to myself and telling myself off... I have turned into one of those crazies. Well at least I can hold on to my hygiene. Most crazies smell of stale gin and sweat. My gin smell is fresh and i shower.
At work its both good and bad. Its a very very slow time of year. In the mornings i busy myself with the few tasks at hand and write emails/blogs/or msn chatting. The afternoons arent awesome. The deadzone is 3pm. 3pm has recently been discovered as a time displacement hour. That hour is actually on average 3 days long. Its directly in proportion to the inverse log of the hour over the rate of work to idleness ratio. So its slightly different for different people. Fortunate people like Q-tip have VERY busy jobs and I reckon there are times she doesnt even notice 3pm come and go.
Speaking of Q-tip. I worry myself sick over her. We aren't speaking at all. This is both good and bad. Bad because I miss her voice and if something sour comes down the grapevine of shite that seems to invade my life I could just give her a quick call and chat. But its also good i guess. We do need time apart, i have no idea how much time and i reckon that that decision will be up to Q-tip. I just worry that the more time that passes the easier it would be to write eachother out of our lives completely. And that would really really suck. I wont call her because I'm afraid I will hurt her again. The girl has so much on her plate as it is she REALLY doesnt need my interference and usual bunglings to upset her balance.
One of the last few times i called I mentioned something that I intended in a completely different way but was actually so incredibly insensative and STOOPID to say that I am quite ashamed of myself. No matter how i meant it it shouldnt have been said even if it was known. So although im not being very clear to you.. my listening public, I am trying to point out that I seem to be more hinderence than help for Q-tip at this time. I would love to help in some way but perhaps that way is just staying away, i would like it if it wasnt. I dunno. Time will tell i guess. Its the waiting that hurts. And the knowledge that I hurt her.
So back to my union address i guess... evenings are getting better. I have my ups and downs, more downs than ups but I have a few shining friends who rescue me when its gets really bad. I feel bad for them sometimes as they seem to always have to pull me outta some stupid mental pile of shite ive made for myself.
Most of my mental state is filled with a mild panic, a good does of worry and a touch of fear. This is not a pity party but more a way for me to try to verbally nail down whats going on, categorize it and try to deal with it. Im not built for being alone... im pretty sure of that... but i am ALSO in no state to be with anyone. I reckon that being able to be with yourself and have a peace and quiet is the only way you can be with someone else successfully. I used to have that, but its gone now... i can see it peeking around the corners of my mind and dodging away whenever it sees me looking but i can also see it slowly coming back. Again Time. Time time time.
I live very near a church now. Its a lovely church with an amazing graveyard and grounds. But i think the bell ringers are on speed. The clock tower next to the church is also religious in its chiming on the hour every hour. On sundays though the cacophony of noise that bombards the flat is impressively manic. Its like Time lost his keys, is running around the flat, swearing and kicking things to find em as he is getting later and later for an appointment or something.
So, in my evenings i try to occupy my mind with something. Ive been reading alot again which helps. And although im a bit poor i still manage to scrape together a little cash here and there to paint some new models. I dont have internet still which probably would really help me out. Just knowing i can talk to people would help. Sort of a security blanket. Ya its not very mature but then im not feeling all that grown up these days :P
I go to bed around 10 or 11... sometimes later if a good program is on or a chapter wont end. I still sleep on the stupid air mattress as i dont think i will be able to get a bed until i get back from canada.
But for me, i suppose, i can still feel and see the old pravo sitting inside me looking up at me and wondering when im going to get my act together. Its rather reassuring. And when i do my art thats when the old pravo pokes his head up and takes over. Those are the best times for me. I forget the shit and i feel like the old me. So all is not lost! I have hope and still find myself laughing at things.
I dont want this blog to be woe is me thing. Im just being honest with myself really. If i can say here what i feel, and hope to be, then i reckon im just beginning a new 'self-fullfilling prphecy' as they say.
But anyways, it felt good to say this stuff. Im sure you are bored and if you got this far, wow, im not sure if i should thank you or suggest you get a hobby :)
Cheers!!
p
More or less my day consists of getting up, being way to introspective for my own good, at times mumbling to myself on the walk to work, then CATCHING myself mumbling to myself and telling myself off... I have turned into one of those crazies. Well at least I can hold on to my hygiene. Most crazies smell of stale gin and sweat. My gin smell is fresh and i shower.
At work its both good and bad. Its a very very slow time of year. In the mornings i busy myself with the few tasks at hand and write emails/blogs/or msn chatting. The afternoons arent awesome. The deadzone is 3pm. 3pm has recently been discovered as a time displacement hour. That hour is actually on average 3 days long. Its directly in proportion to the inverse log of the hour over the rate of work to idleness ratio. So its slightly different for different people. Fortunate people like Q-tip have VERY busy jobs and I reckon there are times she doesnt even notice 3pm come and go.
Speaking of Q-tip. I worry myself sick over her. We aren't speaking at all. This is both good and bad. Bad because I miss her voice and if something sour comes down the grapevine of shite that seems to invade my life I could just give her a quick call and chat. But its also good i guess. We do need time apart, i have no idea how much time and i reckon that that decision will be up to Q-tip. I just worry that the more time that passes the easier it would be to write eachother out of our lives completely. And that would really really suck. I wont call her because I'm afraid I will hurt her again. The girl has so much on her plate as it is she REALLY doesnt need my interference and usual bunglings to upset her balance.
One of the last few times i called I mentioned something that I intended in a completely different way but was actually so incredibly insensative and STOOPID to say that I am quite ashamed of myself. No matter how i meant it it shouldnt have been said even if it was known. So although im not being very clear to you.. my listening public, I am trying to point out that I seem to be more hinderence than help for Q-tip at this time. I would love to help in some way but perhaps that way is just staying away, i would like it if it wasnt. I dunno. Time will tell i guess. Its the waiting that hurts. And the knowledge that I hurt her.
So back to my union address i guess... evenings are getting better. I have my ups and downs, more downs than ups but I have a few shining friends who rescue me when its gets really bad. I feel bad for them sometimes as they seem to always have to pull me outta some stupid mental pile of shite ive made for myself.
Most of my mental state is filled with a mild panic, a good does of worry and a touch of fear. This is not a pity party but more a way for me to try to verbally nail down whats going on, categorize it and try to deal with it. Im not built for being alone... im pretty sure of that... but i am ALSO in no state to be with anyone. I reckon that being able to be with yourself and have a peace and quiet is the only way you can be with someone else successfully. I used to have that, but its gone now... i can see it peeking around the corners of my mind and dodging away whenever it sees me looking but i can also see it slowly coming back. Again Time. Time time time.
I live very near a church now. Its a lovely church with an amazing graveyard and grounds. But i think the bell ringers are on speed. The clock tower next to the church is also religious in its chiming on the hour every hour. On sundays though the cacophony of noise that bombards the flat is impressively manic. Its like Time lost his keys, is running around the flat, swearing and kicking things to find em as he is getting later and later for an appointment or something.
So, in my evenings i try to occupy my mind with something. Ive been reading alot again which helps. And although im a bit poor i still manage to scrape together a little cash here and there to paint some new models. I dont have internet still which probably would really help me out. Just knowing i can talk to people would help. Sort of a security blanket. Ya its not very mature but then im not feeling all that grown up these days :P
I go to bed around 10 or 11... sometimes later if a good program is on or a chapter wont end. I still sleep on the stupid air mattress as i dont think i will be able to get a bed until i get back from canada.
But for me, i suppose, i can still feel and see the old pravo sitting inside me looking up at me and wondering when im going to get my act together. Its rather reassuring. And when i do my art thats when the old pravo pokes his head up and takes over. Those are the best times for me. I forget the shit and i feel like the old me. So all is not lost! I have hope and still find myself laughing at things.
I dont want this blog to be woe is me thing. Im just being honest with myself really. If i can say here what i feel, and hope to be, then i reckon im just beginning a new 'self-fullfilling prphecy' as they say.
But anyways, it felt good to say this stuff. Im sure you are bored and if you got this far, wow, im not sure if i should thank you or suggest you get a hobby :)
Cheers!!
p
posted by Marcus Dunning at 9:05 am
1 Comments:
You should try my new hobby, Warner Bros. box set. You can enjoy it AND you can read to the end of the post.
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